The Voyage Diary of Captain John Figg

Well mateys, it's been another week without me writing in me journal. You know, sometimes the life of a pirate isn't all it's cracked up to be. Most thing it's a life o' constant adventure, and aye, it certainly never stays dull for long, but ya know, sometimes it just doesn't pick up. After we left Pearth, we sailed around the Isles of Garvos, an island filled with people comprised of both sexes, I believe ye call these people hermaphrodites. I just call em weird. Girly Bob was beggin we let him off, but we werent havin none of that! If we had to go to those islands to pick up that sorry little wog we would have definetly ran into trouble. The hermaphrodites can't reproduce naturally, and anyone 'normal' becomes a victim of their constant sexin' and believe me, that a fate worse than death! Anyways, we managed to keep Girly Bob at bay and instead atacked some Tazmanian fishermen gettin some booty in the process. Anyway, that was me week, pretty borin I know. Hopefully thingsll get better after awhile, my life needs ter be more interestin. All right, SHOVE OFF!

Ahoy Mateys. Happy Samhain! What's Samhain you ask? Well what you lilly-livered land lubbers call "Haaalooweeen" the Celts call Samhain (sowen), or the Celtic New Year. Bein as I hail from the land of Eire, I have Celtic blood, and I take this time every year to remember me ancestors, and what stupid wogs they were! Don't get me wrong mateys, I appreciate me family, but ter spend your whole life herding cattle? Ughh, give me the smell o' the sea and a chest full o' gold anyday. Well, I must be off, Crog is making the whole crew some lambs blood stew. Yumm yumm. Until laters, SHOVE OFF!

Arghh me Mateys. The Cap'n here. I am so sorry for missing the last couple journal entrys, but I died. It isn't the first time it's happened, and I surspect it won't be the last. My blood givin, though a noble act, caused me to hallucinate due to the lack of proper fluids needed in my body i.e. don't just drink rum after givin blood. It got so bad I eventually walked the plank o' me own ship! We were movin at the time and I got snagged on one of our tow lines fortunetly (The Barely Sailin' fishes when we travel to cut down on our food expenses and make a little money on the sides.) Sadly me crew didn't realize I was in there and I drowned. I visited Death, he's doin' well. His mother's been tellin him he has to get rid of his old monkey skulls from the basement closet or she's sellin em. Considerin how well monkey skulls will sell in the next one hundred years, he's tryin to hold on to em, but you know how it goes. Death gave me the usual spiel. I have only to say the word and he will come for me, or I could stay here now. I told him as usual that all the treasue in the world still wasn't mine yet and that I would have to refuse. He was saddened by this as he's really wanted someone to permanently play Bones with, but that's the way it goes. When me crew finally realized I was missin, they decided to go on to Pearth, being as they suspected I died and would eventually show up again. When they sold the fish they found my body in the nets and right on cue, Death revived me. I shall have to write sometime about how I became friends with Death, and the deal we established, but I'm afraid thats for another time. Until then, SHOVE OFF!

Ahoy mateys. Well things seem to be returning to normal for the ol' Cap'n. If anything normal EVER happens to me that is. We left Figgonia yesterday and proceeded on to our normal course. I think Quicksilver suspects I've gone down to the Mermaid Islands to treat me boys to a little "R & R" if ya know what I'm saying. Well were not. Moneys been a little scarce around here so we figured we'd do what we always do, PLUNDER! Ha ha ha! I love that word! It's so fun to say. PLUNDER! Heh, heh. Oh, a little Public Service Announcement! Give yer blood to the Royal Nurses of Britania, I believe you dogs call it the Red Cross. The ladys of the order ask for blood from sailors all over the globe and they're in such a need for it they won't even turn ya in. Of course, they don't take blood from just anybody, ya can't have any scurvy, or HIV. Anyways, til later me heartys, SHOVE OFF!

Arghh mateys. Piece O' advice. Never trust a wench. Especially a Pirate Wench! Right after old Quicksilver got me out of the prediciment with Admiral Plimpton's men she sent me a note saying she was boarding the Barely Sailin' by dawn and takin me booty. In the end I had to take many a perilous sea route that not even her ship, The Midnight Godess, could manuver. Heh, thank Death is on my side! The routes I've been taking are so dangerous even a seconds lack of concentration can sink ya, so o course I haven't been able to write in me journal for awhile. Overall the sailing took three days. Afterwords me crew was so tired all we could do was dock on a small island and roast some flyin' boar (tis mighty tastey!) on shore. On a side note, it's a funny thing when ya have obligations to both your friends and yer mates. While on the island, a beautiful little spot I'm planning on naming Figgonia, me mates got me so rummed up I had totally missed the time I set aside every week to write to me dear ol lass Allissia. A fine wench that I have had the pleasure of corespondin with these many a years, missing a letter to Alissia is like missing a chance to get some booty. Ah well. The good news is the Captain finished a chapter in a new text he's writing. There not accounts of my amazin voyages, but there entertainin just the same! Well, I'm through writing. SHOVE OFF! Oh, if ya want some flyin' boar it's on the grill!

Ahoy Matey's!
Many appologies me faithful readers! I've been a little lazy in me journal writin' for the past couple days, but I have a good reason! Me crew and meself have been relaxing in Corthosian for the past four days since our last heist turned out so well. I figured, lets kick up our heels a bit, you know? Eh, big mistake mateys. Big mistake. One thing Ol' Cap'n John has learned as a pirate, never relax too much. Admiral Plimpton, that ol' blubberback searchin for me head, managed to corner me ship in Corthosian's port city of Carp. Normally this wouldn'tve been a problem, me lovely little clipper, The Barely Sailin', could outmanuver his ol' ship, The Iron Gut, any day o' the week. Sadly, the port of Carp is bloody difficult to manuever through and I got mighty lost. It took me nearly two days just find my way near the straights that lead ya out (Corthosian's a little hard to find) and when I finally reached the entrance, I was disparred to find the Admiral's back up fleet blockin me way. I had to send Poe, me faithful raven (parrots are for sissies!), a message to ol' Quicksilver, me matey and fellow/rival pirate. She was all too happy to return the favor she owed me, seein as she hates ol' Blubberback as much as I do. Needless to say, the Admiral has several less ships in his fleet, and I mangaged to flee to safety. I think the next time we port were gonna make sure were not being followed and we dont make too much of a racket. Heh, good luck tryin that with my crew. Anyways, until laters matey's, SHOVE OFF!

Arghh, anothar day, anothar treasure chest to bury. Honestly I don't know why I do this, but me crew seems to think it's a good idea. Me cabin boy and first cousin on me dear old mudders side, Christophus, said that keeping a voyage journal was a stupid thing to do. The little blighters now hanging from the plank gettin slowly lowered next to a feedin frenzy o' sharks. Heh, that'll teach im'. The crew and meself stopped by Corthosian to do a little tradin. While there me an me first mate, Cedric, watched one of those new movin pictures. The "movie" as it was called was Kill Bill. While I didn't understand most of it, the killin was pretty entertainin, and they were very accurate with the Japanese. I know many Japanese buccaneers and they hit the nail right in the coffin on those guys, ill tell ya. They can get pretty bloody when the sake gets in em, I can tell ya that much. Anyways, not sure where I was goin with all that. Anyways...yeah. Shove off ya bilge rats! The Cap'n needs his beauty sleep!